just a few thoughts. i hate being ignored. i hate my mom so much it makes me feel nauseated. i hate my dad. that’s old news. i’m glad this year is ending. i’ve mourned every year in the past — i don’t like change, i don’t like how it’s never going to be 2018 again, i don’t like how i’ll never be 16 again, i don’t like i’ll never know him like i knew him again. i’m so ready for 2023. i’ll read 23 books, maybe more. i’ll move out, get a real(er) job. have prospects. new friends, new mornings. i’ll buy a bottle of red wine and drink it and it’ll stain my lips blue and i will read books and watch films by myself and not feel lonely. i will write and i will create and i will never be alone because i have me and i am wonderful and real and passionate and i’ll breathe and take up space and hang up posters and paintings i made just for me and i’ll be okay, it’ll all be okay and i won’t see my dad and i won’t flinch and i won’t hold in my stomach and i’ll listen to music, quietly, as not to disturb my neighbors, but loud enough to dance and not to feel like a burden. i’ll live i’ll cry i’ll laugh i’ll drink i’ll cook and eat and clean and watch myself mouth my favorite songs in the mirror and i’ll do my hair and paint my face and i’ll be beautiful and ugly and i’ll hope and i’ll despair and i’ll be naked, naked always, and i’ll be mine.
adieu to this year that tore me apart and put me back together and ripped me to shreds and kissed my forehead so tenderly. adieu adieu adieu.