i dont know what to do about my anger. its paralyzing. i dont know if i would categorize this as a cry for help but i feel like im about to burst. i dont want to blame this on me being hormonal. im scared. and i feel alone. and numb. i am crying as i am writing this. i miss being able to write. hello april, i suppose. ive never felt a kinship with you, which is strange as youre the most indecisive month and im the most indecisive girl. i dont feel good about myself. im getting fat. i feel ugly and dirty. im embarrassed about what i am. loud and emotional and spiteful, so horrendously mean. cruel. sometimes, i wonder if i deserve the pain i feel. i dont want to go back to work on monday. i just want to stop it all. i have no hope — i applied to a school and i dont know if i should be hopeful. im so fucking scared to fail id rather not try at all. the fear is debilitating. im so angry all the time, and it feels like im on the verge of exploding. its like i cant breathe. living is like a big fucking never-ending asthma attack. and it hurts so much, being twenty and feeling no love. im so scared i wont ever change, that ill turn thirty and forty and fifty and ill still breathe in, breathe in, breathe in. thats what life is, isnt it? god, im so frustrated. there is no way out. no one understands and if they do, they dont show it. why does everyone want to diminish my pain? let me keep it. let me treasure it. let me kiss its eyelids and lick the tears from its cheeks like a thirsty dog. i dont think twenty’s going great. i just want to feel good. im so jealous. i feel threatened all the time. my feelings of worthlessness dont make me more an artist than other people so what is any of it good for? there is a fat man sitting on my chest and he isnt letting me leave. just let me be alive and normal. i need to get out of here. im beginning to suspect that obsessively opening the window wont make the air in my room any less stale. i want need a clean slate. there are tears dribbling down my chin. i wish someone would write me a love letter. i wish someone would want to caress me and do it despite my tensing up at human contact. i wish i could break down my walls. i dont like how i feel right now.
2 Comments
1 more comment...No posts
wow, this is increible, really. i resonate strongly.