feb 10:
im alone in my cousin’s new apartment right now but the walls in this building are so thin i feel like im not. alone, i mean.
im very anxious and kind of bored. i keep thinking of writing but ive been battling writer’s block for a couple months now. i wrote yesterday — nothing great, i just was glad to get some words out of where they’ve been clogging up my mind.
ive been feeling weird these past days, like im constantly stressed even though nothing is actually happening. i dont like my therapist anymore, which means i have to stop seeing her. i dont know how to tell her that. i think she can sense that ive been clamping up more recently, shutting her out. i feel bad for letting her fail me. shes not that bad, though i wonder if her technique actually works for people like me. now and then, i was sure i felt better after seeing her. im not sure how true any of that was.
i wonder if seeing a black therapist might help me — i didnt want that before and im not sure i do now. maybe i should not go to therapy for a while, but its nice to have someone forced to listen to me ramble once a week. i dont know. i know i cant handle myself all alone but therapy has become just another part of my life where im given an hour to hyper-analyze myself and im not actually sure i am profiting from that. at all. maybe talking about it isnt the solution i hoped itd be. i dont want to do dbt again. i cant — it makes me feel hopeless. i dont want to do it.
im a little bit angry with my friend. she makes me feel stupid and silly and judged a lot and i dont — i dont know. it just makes me hate myself more. and its strange, because i think she should understand me. i feel so gross and weird when im around her, which might be mean, but i really cant help it. she makes me feel bad and ugly. like, compared to her, i am a beast unworthy or love and affection. i just wanna feel like im normal and, while we werent talking, this feeling was not something that accompanied me. im unsure whether or not i should bring it up because i think this might be part of her personality, whatever it is that makes me feel this way. i cant explain. also, i am watching something while writing this so focusing on this is a little hard.
feb 11:
this isnt so bad. yesterday night i got tipsy with my cousin and smoked a few cigarettes because i caved and got some at the gas station. it was nice, we talked and afterwards we watched that korean show where all the strong people compete and then we went to bed. its eleven AM now — im hungry but dont wanna ask if i can eat some of the toast me and my cousins mom bought yesterday. does the gas station open on sundays? not sure. i kind of wanna smoke a cigarette now. the twins are watching some fantasy anime show i dont like but the background noise is quite nice. ill be here til monday morning, so im curious to see if ill be tired of this then or if ill be sad to leave. yeah, im gonna smoke. okay.
1:45 PM:
im hungry again. i dont know why im so scared to ask for food when i could just take it. my cousin wouldnt mind, shes all about sharing. i am not. i dont mind sharing my things except if its my sister somtimes. i just dont like taking things without asking. im cold and my stomach hurts. i kind of wanna smoke again but i dont feel like getting up. im craving a twix bar. my cousins watching a j-drama on the couch and eating something and her bag keeps crinkling and the twins are in their room but since the walls are so thing i can hear them watching something on their tablet. i really wanna lie down. or leave. i dont know, im actually alright here, but something is off with me and its probably because im so hungry. itll be okay. i got inspired to write and i even started planning a story but i got bored only a few minutes in. i dont know why i cant stick to the things i come up with, why they annoy me so quickly. even quicker than usual. i cant even plan book anymore, thats how sick of my ideas i am. theyre all so stupid and wont amount to anything anyway. i need to pee. i need to eat. i love my new laptop, its so beautiful and its so fun to write on his keyboard, its so smooth and kind of soft, like not the keys themselves, just the feel of it. so nice. it makes me happy even though im basically broke for the rest of the month. i dont wanna go back to work on monday. why am i so depressed all of a sudden? i was fine 15 minutes ago. i helped my cousin empty some of her boxes already, we got a good deal done. i wonder if shes gonna need my help to set up the twins bed. i dont understand how my cousin can have such little boundaries with her children. they told her they wanna sleep in her bed again — theyre like 8. i was like 10 or 11 when i watched porn for the first time. just to compare. im not saying i was old enough to see that or anything, i clearly wasnt, but it makes me think. my cousin has a weird relationship with her parents too. they talk about sex freely and go to nude beaches together. sorry, i dont think thats normal or healthy. i rarely ever leave my room without a bra on and she lets them see her naked. maybe its wrong of me to judge but this is my diary entry and i can write what i want to. maybe i should read — i restarted my dark vanessa. its so depressing and frustrating. the twins just opened the door and the tablet is so fucking loud. okay my cousin said something. im hungryyyyyy. i wonder if my typing annoys her. maybe i should go to the room my air mattress is in. she said well have lunch soon! nice. i still need to pee. i wanna smokeeeeee ugh.
i dont know why i stopped doing paragraphs. here is one. i kind of wanna talk about my crush but there really isnt anything to say. he doesnt like me back. i wonder if he thinks im a lesbian because some people think that about me. i thought i was and i still think i do, im just not sure. i dont want to label myself anymore, even though i kind of still really want to. i dont know. i wanna — im not sure what i want. labels are so restricting, arent they. who cares who i like or what i turn out to be in the end. i sorta like women. i sorta like men. i think all genitals are gross anyway.
why wont he text me back? does he hate me so much? i mean, what is there to say? exactly. whatever. im gonna try and get over it until i see him the next time or something. maybe i need a new crush, but i wouldnt know who i could obsess over. if i knew more guys i find relatively cute, i could just pick one. but all the ones i know that arent him are so bland. well, he kind of is too. i dont know. i dont even want it to go anywhere. i just wanna casually make out when im drunk, thats usually my goal. and for him not to talk to any girls besides me, ever. you know, the normal things.
i need to stop falling for white boys from the countryside. they dont make for good boyfriends. or, you know, human beings. i feel like theyre all made from the same cloth, just like i think all self-proclaimed girl-bloggers are. were all just collages from the things we resonate with, i guess. i think thats a dodie quote. i miss caring about a show. i havent watched the walking dead in a while. or the vampire diaries. or anything. i rewatched the first three harry potter movies this past week-ish. they made me cry a bunch. i wonder why im so emotional recently.
this february isnt what i thought it would be. im cold and kind of gloomy. im nostalgic for last february. i stopped journalling everyday like i said i would, even though im journalling now. im so hungry but my cousin doesnt feel great so i dont wanna ask her to start making lunch. also, id never do that anyway. im sitting on an uncomfortable bench, because i dont wanna sit on the couch next to my cousin. i need some space and i need to journal.
my friend just texted me, the one i spoke about yesterday. i dont wanna talk to her right now, she still makes me feel bad. how mean of me to burden her with that guilt, isnt it? i mean, not literally, im not telling her she does this to me. i just mean the way im making her the guilty one for my feeling bad. haha. does this make sense? probably not. i dont care.
im so hungry im literally devouring myself from the inside. thats why i feel so bad!!!!! i can never tell apart whether im sad or hungry or tired or need a smoke. he wont text me back. i hate him so much. hes so cruel to me and he doesnt even know it. or maybe he does. am i actually as obvious as i think i am? i might be. whatever. he doesnt deserve my pining, he has enough privilege as is. i dont actually consider being the object of my affection as a privilege but now were back to the girl-blogger thing. i lie for attention — for my own, mostly. again, i dont know what this means but it sounds profound at this moment, so i refuse to let future-me delete it. dont delete my wisdom, future-me!
10:46 AM:
craving a cig. im sitting half-dressed on this stupid air mattress because i felt the need to finish this right this second. of course. these stupid keys are so loud and these walls are so thin — i can hear my cousins snoring. if snored id simply not. its an irritating habit.
anyway, i drank a beer, had some snacks. im still hungry though. earlier, my cousin cooked rice and we ate it with kimchi, tuna, egg and some sauces. so good. im gonna start making that every day. so yum. i forgot to close the blinds when the twins and my cousin werent sleeping so im gonna have to leave them open but whatever. maybe itll help me get up in the morning. im gonna get up at 7AM i think — i dont wanna miss my train. this goddamn air mattress is so loud. my cousins snoring stopped. her hearing is bad but im not sure she wont hear this. im gonna move to my phone.
ok im on my phone now. why didnt i think of this two paragraphs ago. god, i hate typing on this stupid thing. i just wanted to summarize what im feeling right now, towards the end of me visiting my cousin. as always, im exhausted from all and any human interaction. i dont know. it wasnt bad but it also wasnt that great. i think i go on an emotional tirade at least once every single day. why do i choose to live my life this way? id like to think its somewhat out of my control. im craving a cigarette. also im cold and im still half-dressed. everytime i move, this air mattress is so loud and im positive everyone in this building block can hear it. its not even eleven but its a sunday night.
sunday. tomorrows monday. work starts again. i have to go home and everything just… begins anew. how depressing.