chronic emptiness comes dangerously close to wanting to rip off all the pictures on my walls. it’s like. not nothing. like, it’s not like i don’t feel anything, i’m angry, i’m pretty sure i’m sad and i’m definitely confused but it’s like. too much to handle. kind of like i’m freaking out in a calm way. i flail with my arms and scream when i get upset, but right now it’s so? i don’t know what i’m doing or what i’m supposed to do, if this even changes anything but i think it does. things are different and they are better and i want them to stay better. i don’t know if that’s possible. i hate that i put so much into this, like i do with everything, though it has only been a little while. that’s just what i do. i’m not ready to give up, i don’t want to do that to myself anymore. i deserve better than that. like, from myself, i mean. i deserve to be treated better by me. and that’s kind of the only thing i can change, right? i don’t have any control over what other people do but i can control how i handle the bullshit thrown at me. it’s not only bullshit, i know what. just — relationships scare me, all of them do. when i think too much about the future, my immediate thought is that i should just kill myself. this is too much! i’m twenty, i have so much life left to live but i don’t find that thought as appealing as it should be. i don’t like to put in work. i don’t want to have to put in this much work. like, more than a lot of other people. and i’ll have to, i already do, that’s just a fact. this entire day feels so stale. i just — i have so much to say, i feel like, but not even half of it is coming out. i just say i’m angry. state the facts. frown. swallow. i don’t know, is the thing. i don’t have a clue. i’m allowing myself this day. maybe a couple of days.
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I guess I just must be a daredevil
Sending you love, i hope it gets better