to preface this, i drank a lot last night. i miss a girl and i think i’m missing her more than she misses me, which is good. feels good. yearning—even if i don’t know if i’d go as far as calling it that—is such a sunday emotion to me. i just decided i would. i don’t half-ass things.
we held hands and cuddled and i miss her so much i might explode. i just like when, the next morning, i still feel how i felt when i was drunk. it makes me believe that i’m capable of feeling these things, you know? i’ve been struggling with the idea of me being aromantic a lot more recently, even if it doesn’t exactly link up with my history. granted, i don’t have much experience in the relationship game, but you know. all’s fair in love and war and lesbianism. i’m a cancer. i’ve been born to be a romantic. and i am! doesn’t mean my craving for it goes beyond the hypothetical.
i’m a little bit scared that i’m too overbearing. all my knowledge about dating, i accumulated from movies and shows, but i do watch good movies and shows usually. so. i don’t know. i kind of know what i’m doing. also, i’m painfully boring. it’s becoming a pattern and the sole common denominator is me. and that i mainly hang around neurodivergent people. so yeah. maybe it isn’t just me. who knows. i talked about this before but it’s still a problem i face, so i don’t see harm in talking about it again.
once again, i’ve realized how much i appreciate unabashed honestly. not always. not a lot. it makes me anxious and it tends to make me feel bad, but at least i know where i stand, you know? i like when people talk openly about things. it makes me feel more normal, even if i struggle too much with it myself.
last night, my… acquaintance talked about her vibrator. very refreshing. i’m convinced everyone who says they don’t masturbate is simply lying to be… i don’t know, cute probably. and i think it’s stupid. and even writing this, i’m feeling deep shame akin to what i imagine religious guilt feels like. i don’t know. i’m twenty-one. it’s kind of pathetic that i don’t talk about sex more.
to be fair, i am not getting any. but still.
i’m still not convinced branching out was a good idea. i’m unsure when i even started talking to her. something tells me we’ve known each other since the end of last year, but i don’t think that’s true. i have no sense of time. anyway, it’s strange. i like her more when she’s calm, which is kind of cruel. however, i refuse to embellish my thoughts. i think she’s loud and too much and all of the things i’m scared people think about me, and i think she’s a little cringey and she’s two years younger than me and i’m still not sure if it’s weird that i’m a little uncomfortable with that. there’s just a lot of uncertainty.
and i can sense it coming from her, too. again, she is younger. has less experience than me, believe it or not. which also feels weird to me. bad, in that it’s reassuring. no expectations from someone who doesn’t know how shit works either. i feel like that’s where my cluster of varying opinions begins to differ. i’m trying to think rationally, which is confusing, as i am such an emotional being.
i feel more normal around weird people. and by normal, i feel more grown, which, in turn, means i think those weird people are childish. i feel like that’s sound logic. if it makes me a bad human being, is another question.
(i don’t think i am a bad human being. i think i’m a girl, interrupted. who can blame me for not knowing how to feel, when i keep getting input i didn’t want but started begging for? this is wrong, this is right, but the world isn’t all black and white? like fuck, c’mon.)
while all of the above is true and honestly how i feel, i also like getting drunk and flirting with a girl who has cute freckles and soft hair. and she likes it too, i think. i’m pretty sure. she may like stupid movies and listen to stupid music but she knows how to dance and even if i had to do the first move to get her close to me, she immediately reciprocated, hovering around me like she was just waiting for me to tell her to come to me. that sounds like i’m trying to be sexy. i’m not. again, i watch a lot of movies. i think my extensive understanding of human beings, combined with my uncertainty when it comes to correctly reading social cues (straying away from the word inability, i actually think my issue lies more in the theory vs. practice area), just make my day-to-day life that much harder. i wish people were more honest.
then again, what the fuck would i say? how can i be honest about feelings i don’t even know are real?
it feels good, writing like this again. acting like i matter to anyone but me. and i do! matter to myself, i mean. i don’t always like me but i’ve been doing better. i want to treat me okay. i’ve been thinking about what to write into my second confessional. i haven’t changed much from last year, but in a lot of ways i have. i’m happier. more productive. care less and care more.
i’m excited for next friday. i want to hold her hand again. i think that’s alright, for now. i really don’t want to be aromantic. i’m sorry. i don’t want it. and i know that’s not how it works, but i feel like it’s different for me. i wouldn’t know what to live for, if not for love. sure, i have other motivators recently, like school and… well, that’s it. but it’s something! i like it, it makes me happy and makes me feel like i’m doing something with my life, something i actually like.
frankly, i just don’t have the range for strictly platonic emotions. what the fuck even is that. i feel like i’m the opposite of aromantic. ugh. i’m getting annoyed. and i don’t particularly care about people who are aromantic and don’t mind it, like, good for you? not even my ongoing gender crisis can compare to how much i don’t want to be aromantic. i don’t caaareeeeee if it’s a spectrum. i’ve always wanted it all! it’s rough enough out here as it is. i want to be in love. i need to be in love with something as much as i need air to breathe, and i think that’s my problem. i did not come on here to talk about this. i felt romantic last night. or maybe i just liked the physical contact.
it’s almost eleven and i’m frowning. ugh.
today was okay, even if i was hungover and tired and exhausted. i ate really well and had fun with my siblings. it’s okay. i was a normal girl with a crush last night. and i liked it. (even if i needed alcohol for it.) i also was this morning, a little bit. maybe even now. (i’m sober.)