like that one sex scene that’s in mulholland drive
Everyday Is Like Sunday. whatever that means
I simultaneously long for summer and don’t think I’ll particularly enjoy it. I wish I could escape for a while, to another country again. With my siblings, exploring a strange city. Visiting second-hand book stores, running my fingers along their cracked spines.
I am not a very big beach person, personally, but I think lying on a towel, in the shade, reading a book or listening to music or just being there, half-asleep… Something about that calls out to me. It’s June — my birthday is almost exactly a month away, which isn’t an as sobering thought as it was last year.
Honestly, I’m kind of excited. Not for my birthday per say, just the turning older part. I’m not sure whether I’ll celebrate. Last year, my friends and I didn’t really talk during that time, and right now… not sure, actually.
My social battery is kind of drained. I have some feelings on some things. I’d say it’s difficult but it really isn’t. Venus is in Leo, I just saw. So, yeah. I don’t know.
I don’t have any purpose for this post. I wasn’t even really in the mood to write but it’s only short after ten and if I go to sleep now, I’ll wake up at like four, and that doesn’t really seem so appealing.
Maybe I should talk about something that’s been ruminating in my mind for a couple weeks, and even more now that it’s Pride Month — I am yearning for the love of a woman. That just made me giggle. I’ve begun my quest to watch as many lesbian movies as possible this month. I’m two movies in. I’m kind of in a series-over-films-phase right now. That’s okay.
I don’t mean to talk about my wish for something static again. Be it a feeling or a relationship. It’s just been on my mind a lot, is all;
I’m talking to this girl and she’s really cute, a little weird, but so am I, so I don’t find that off-putting in the slightest. And like, she’s really cute. Covered in freckles. I saw her once, when I went to Pride with my friends, but freaked out and pretended like we had to immediately leave because I’m a loser.
To be honest, I’m, like, convinced I could be so confident if I just… had… the confidence? How do I explain that? I think you’re just going to have to trust me. I’m meant to be a tall, self-assured futch, who takes charge and always makes the first move. Maybe I can blame this on my being 5’2? Or maybe it’s my P-body shape. Having a bigger ass and smaller-to-no tits would drastically improve my life-quality by, like, a hundred perfect. No kidding.
I’ve encountered more and more lesbians online recently, and it’s felt so incredible, just seeing them talk about their lives, not to me, just into the void that is the Twitter timeline. Just mundane things. Mentioning their girlfriends and talking about how attractive women are and obsessing over the same things I obsess over, that I’ve felt so entirely alone with.
Not alone, no — just slightly isolated. I don’t know why but sometimes, my friends have odd reactions to me saying what I’d essentially categorize as gay stuff. Like, why does it, even within a group of queer people, feel so taboo for me to call an actress hot? Sometimes, I wish we’d be the kind of friends to talk about crushes and relationships. I know I’m that kind of person. It always bursts out of me but I immediately regret even bringing up anything along the lines of romantic or even sexual interest I might have in somebody. The latter doesn’t happen a lot, if I’m honest, so I guess I’m safe in that department, but — you know. Actually, maybe you don’t. I don’t either.
I just want to be able to unapologetically and openly and honestly feel. This might sound cruel — I don’t want to force anybody into talking about stuff that they don’t feel comfortable with. What I’m not okay with is how it affects me, this judgement. Or what I perceive as such. To retain some level of neutrality.
I just crave honesty, even if I’m not positive I’d be fully able to handle it just yet. I need to get there, though, and how do I do that if not through trial and error? I want to talk about sex. I want to talk about my struggles with it and also my non-struggles with it, if you will. Even on here, it’s like I’m frozen.
And I have been all my life! Words won’t make their way past my lips still, in a way that is genuinely just childish and embarrassing for me. I can’t even write them. I don’t know why that is. Sex hasn’t really been a forbidden topic at home, not like with other families, but even since I can remember, I have been so averse to speaking about it. I remember covering my ears and crying whenever my mom brought it up.
Maybe I shouldn’t know why. A steadily growing part of me thinks I should just turn around to have deniability. At any rate. I don’t understand why me talking about certain topics warrants such strange reactions from my friends.
And yes, it makes me feel bad. Am I such a sex-less creature, that it’s unfathomable to imagine me in a relationship that isn’t just of romantic nature? Or is even that too much? Am I destined to be the unerotic mom friend forever? God, how pathetic.
Though, I can’t say I’m completely innocent in this situation. I think sex seems kind of revolting. When I think of the most intimate thing you could do to another person, fucking them is right after fully, like, eating them. Not to say that sex is essentially Cannibalism or anything but I am also not lying when I say that there virtually isn’t much of a difference to me.
I don’t know. Maybe some things do need to be addressed. Namely my commitment issues. To be bound to someone like that, connected by a shared experience, sounds simply gruesome to me. Which doesn’t mean I’m not horny as shit. It’s like a ninety-to-ten ratio, I think. Maybe eighty-five-fifteen, when I’m doing better.
That’s about the extent I am willing to talk about this at this point in time. I’m a prude at heart, what can I say?
Frankly, I don’t know how the fuck we got here. All I remember from the beginning was that I was listening to a Morrissey song, then Chappell Roan, then Chairlift. Which kind of perfectly sums up my recent emotional state: depressed and horny4women and, well, Caroline Polachek, which is kind of a mixture of both to me personally.
I’m going to sleep now. I’ve been up for 24 hours. I hope I dream of the beach and of girls and of girls on the beach.
loved this post, happy pride !!! XD
oh, and happy pride month lol